Thursday, April 14, 2005

Hobo-Erotic Adventures Vol.1 Ch.4

"Little Butcher Shop of Horrors"

What makes a hobo? What goes in when making a hobo? Is there a certain mix of ingredients? Spices? Do you just add water? Hmm… probably not. Yet, what we do know is all you need is a can of beans, maybe a cardboard box, and is your one of the high class ones a shopping cart from Le Target. So does this make Tam qualify as a true Ho of a hobo? I guess. He’s stinky, sexy, loving, stupid, crazy, and poor. So he barely makes the stinky cut, but he does and he knows it.

"I will be the most recognized Hobo on the planet!"

Tam laughs to himself as he tucks himself in a dumpster behind an old building named McCracker’s Animal Slaughter Shop Etc. He holds on tightly to his new friend Ham Hocks the hamster. Who would of left such a poor hamster in a cage in such a nice white house? Not Tam! The night before he was happening to watch a family eat dinner and walked out behind the house to get a better view, but something fuzzy and delicious caught his crusty eyes, but only a small brown and white hamster in a cage all alone. Tam being the lover of animals and their taste decided to rescue him. After scaring the family out of the house by chasing them with his shopping cart he rescued the Hamster and now they are lovers, or just friends, you decide.

"Oh Ham Hocks you are my only friend in the whole world"
"Giggles, oh Tam you are my hero in rusty, moldy armor!"
"Huh? What the hell? You can talk?"
"Yes, I am a princess from the world of Hamtarado, and must make it back to save my kingdom from the dirty rats of New York. The towns are at a huge war and we need your help!"
: Snore: Snore:
"What the cat droppings? He fell asleep? I guess we can try this later then."

Tam not having much of an attention span fell asleep before the princess could tell him of her town. She not really caring much either, just crawled under his hat and make a nest from his hair. The next morning came like slap in the crotch. The dumpster lid opened ad there stood a large manatee of a hairy woman about 7 ft tall stood in amazement. The woman fell in love in an instant.

"Oh my! You must be a angel from in front of the gates of Heaven!"
"HUH? What’s going on here? I’m trying to sleep you huge whore!"
": GASP! how can you speak to me like a dirty street whore? I own a butcher shop!"
"Butcher shop? Does that mean you got meat? Juicy bloody meat?"
"HELL yeah, you dirty little piece of German sausage. Mama to be Olga Shapelga Steinerson has so much meat she has to hide it in her woman barn."
"Woman barn?"

Olga just giggles and slaps her danger zone with a wink. Tam at that very moment almost threw up, but he had not eaten since he left that town of little eyed people, so all that came out were sad loud dry heaves. Olga invited Tam to have some fresh meat and excitedly Tam scream like a Japanese schoolgirl. The two walked in the back door and Tam was amazed to see so much meat hanging on the ceiling and covering the floors. The stench of rotten meat filled the small shop and Tam was turned on but the smell of it all. His eyes began to twinkle and he grabbed the large German woman and threw her onto a table covered in meat. Tam sprung on top of the large hairy meat juice covered woman and exclaimed his love to her. Upon hearing this the hamster Princess Ham Hocks was furious that her love slave had now loved another.

"What the biscuits do you think your doing TAM?"
"Huh? Oh hi there Hammy"
"Don’t you Hammy me you dirty smelly whore of a hobo!"
"Um..Tam why can that Hamster talk?"
"Shut your Volkswagen driving sausage loving mouth when a Princess is speaking!"
"Say what? This little bite-sized nugget did not just say I drive a Volkswagen did it?
"You heard me meat whore! Whatcha gonna do? Eat me?"
"Good Idea! Olga needs a snack before she plays "Bumping Uglies" with Tam"

Olga leaped towards the hamster knocking Tam into a pool of meat juice on the floor. Tam never having tasted real meat took out his silly straw and began drinking the vile green liquid. The angry hungry woman pulled out a huge butcher’s knife from her huge cleavage, and launched herself at the poor hamster. Yet, she did not know that Ham Hocks had studied the deadly hamster arts of Dooky Death. Ham Hocks leaped into the air (all in slow motion) lifted her furry ass and shot her dooky pellets at Olga’s face. Olga let out a huge roar and flew back into the hanging carcasses of beef. After taking a bit she came charging at the hamster. Hammy quickly took cover behind Tam, and the impact sent the poor hobo flying threw the roof of the shop. Another large woman walked into the shop and began to speak.

"Helga! What is this mess? Did you rape the beef again?"
"No! I didn’t I swear Yolga. This hobo took advantage of me and then some talking hamster attacked me with it’s s***!"
"Bitch, you need to stop your sex fantasy of hamster and hobos and clean this mess up."
The giant German woman just shook her fat fist at the hole in the roof and vowed to the Gods that’s she will have bite out of Tam’ sausage, and that hamster will be in a bowl of stew in the upcoming Octoberfest.
"This is the only way to travel eh Hammy?"
"Just shut up and kiss me you dirty Hobo you!"

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